Seeing social media feeds flooded with people’s memories from 2016, I scrolled through my phone’s camera roll in search of my own. Interestingly, there were none to be found. While it contains memories of 2015, my first year of marriage, and 2017 and beyond, 2016 is nonexistent. Perhaps it’s a storage or some other technological issue. In a way, it feels symbolic of how my brain has blocked out much of that year. While many look back on 2016 with fondness, I feel a sense of relief that it’s behind me, because in 2016, I had postpartum depression.
Having come from a faith environment where I heard many claim that depression is sin, I attempted to navigate postpartum life from a solely spiritual perspective. It didn’t serve me well. 2017 found us back in California, where I was born and raised, and where my husband experienced two job losses in a row. A year where I felt like my soul was being punched continually, and I couldn’t take it anymore. In God’s kindness, He brought us back to Texas and slowly began healing many of my heart’s hurts. While internet trends are often fun, this 2016 one feels painful at times.
In 2016, our oldest child was born the day after our first anniversary. After she endured a NICU stay, the anxiety and fear I’d encountered in the hospital accompanied me home. It was a dark time in my life. One that I’ve often feared opening up about because my struggle with PPD found me questioning my salvation. And since I questioned it, I feared others might too. Seeing posts about magical memories from 2016 evokes many feelings as I see others share their accomplishments.
My biggest accomplishment in 2016 was surviving it. I’ve felt tempted to compare my 2016 to everyone else’s, which I know will leave me feeling like I’m not measuring up because it wasn’t remarkable. Yet the gospel frees me from comparison, because God didn’t call me to live in someone else’s story in 2016. He’s used the pain of the past to shape the story He’s writing for me in the present. I needn’t fear the feeling recalling 2016 evokes because the God of 2016 is the God of 2026.
Knowing that Jesus died to pay my debt of sin and has accredited me with His perfect life to restore my relationship with God frees me. It reminds me that the ground is level at the cross, and everyone experiences seasons of sweetness and seasons of sorrow. I can rejoice with those who rejoice, and simultaneously lament the pain I endured in 2016.
This internet trend uniquely highlights the realities of life in a sin stained world. For some, it reveals good, and for others, it’s a reminder of grief. It ultimately highlights that any magical memories we experience are purely mercy. Looking back on anything good is evidence that we serve a generous God who gives good gifts in addition to the best gift, Himself.
While it’s hard for me to look back and see the good in 2016, I can look back and see God’s goodness to me as the Light of the World carried me through darkness. Postpartum depression felt akin to walking the valley of the shadow of death, and while I don’t long to return, I’m comforted that even then, I was never alone (Psalm 23:4).
2016 was not my favorite year, and I’m grateful that it doesn’t have to be. Even so, I can still look back and see how the things that happened then shaped me into who I am today. The Holy Spirit used painful things to produce good fruit in my life. Because of those painful things, I have confidence in Christ. I rest assured that my salvation is secure (John 10:28). And because Jesus conquered sin, my biggest problem, I know He’ll give me the grace I need for the journey Home, whatever it may hold.
“Say not, ‘Why were the former days better than these?’
For it is not from wisdom that you ask this.” Ecclesiastes 7:10
“In the day of prosperity be joyful, and in the day of adversity consider: God has made the one as well as the other, so that man may not find out anything that will be after him.” Ecclesiastes 7:14
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